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merry xmas or whatever

praise the universe; the season of love and compassion has arrived. fittingly, my friend maria - no kidding - is expecting.

what she kinda wasnt expecting is that being a future single mom doesnt leave you with an endless parade of babyshowers and bliss.

she knew she opted for the tough road when she decided to go through with the pregnancy on her own. we were expecting lewd comments about the missing dad in the picture. a shitload of administrative work, endless visits to the doctor.

reality has bitten us in the arse, though. being a future white, single mom of a black baby, with an uncle with downs syndrome and two good friends with various ailments, seems to be THE prime example to show misogyny, racism and ableism all in one go.

so, here we go indeed. on the way, there is her female doctor, saying that if she suspected the kid might have the same challenges ahead as her uncle or her close friends it was generally a 'normal' risk and she didnt see any point in letting my friend have the according tests to figure it out - even though she would've had to pay for them out of her own pocket anyway. saying that if that scared her so much, maybe she shouldnt have become pregnant in the first place. - she was 4 months into the pregnancy at the time; abortion not even being an option anymore.

then there's other friends and her customers (she works self-employed in a medical profession) - saying they ofc they mean well and, you know, nothing against the baby an all, but with the dad not being around and society being like it is, if it maybe wasnt better to abort the kid - its black, after all, and who would wish such a life on anyone (!). also, there'd be plenty of time to have other (white??) kids in the future. - i could now argue that even jesus wasnt white but then again, i dont rly feel like arguing any of that shit mentioned above.

next: family in eastern germany. as some of you might've heard, varying on he region, eastern germany has around 20-40% voters of right-wing parties. i warned my friend about moving back there, for fear of what the neighbours might think, say or do. what i didnt calculate when making an estimation on the best place for her to raise a kid, was parts of her own family calling the baby in her womb a 'nigger' and a 'bimbo' (!).

on top of all that, bodyshaming a pregnant woman seems to be a quite common thing; especially, when she was curvy to begin with. but seriously, what sorta cold-hearted arsehole calls an future mom wobbly, fat, and having a lack of self-control - especially since she has been doing nothing but working and losing weight ever since she got the good news.

i am truly at a loss for words here. i dont know where to begin to criticize this, idk how to fix any of this either - it seems so embedded into peoples minds, with all of them actually believing they were saying the right things and meaning well.

i wish folks would take a moment, next time they wanna offer advice, to consider five things:

1. was the advice asked for?
2. do i have all information to see the entire picture?
3. could my advice be followed-up on? (like, telling a woman to abort when she is over the legal limit to do so sure aint gonna help anyone!)
4. could my advice potentially be hurtful and if so, could i put it any other way? 
5. is it rly any of my business?

if any of the answers to those five question is no, i am hereby kindly asking you to shut the fuck up. for yours and everyones sake, hell, for heavens sake, even.

merry xmas or whatever. have a good one :)

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